I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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