god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
