Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?