ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?