she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
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