Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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