Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
