How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
