I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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