the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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