A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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