I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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