Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
