we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
