The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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