He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
