I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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