Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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