matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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