just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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