And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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