I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
