Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
