Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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