I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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