I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he fucked my hip out of place.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
