I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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