i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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