i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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