I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My life is pants optional.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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