if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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