Umm I'm too high to move.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
