dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
