Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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