I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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