thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
