I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
