so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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