If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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