I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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