So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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