yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
