I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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