ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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