I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
