I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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