Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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