Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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