So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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