imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
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i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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