Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
