It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
