She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
