so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
