We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
