my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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