I am in a vortex of obligation.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
