My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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