The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
